Hey guys, it's been about I dunno a while since I last updated on this thing which I have no idea how many people actually read this so maybe it doesn't matter and we can all go home and be happy.
Well I am home from college after being there for about three months only to discover that I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. What that means is that I can get scared over nothing-or to be more personal, about my past.
So for the last three months that I have been at home I can't exactly say it made things better. I actually had complete meltdowns for the first month and could not be alone for any reason and I was just sick. I hated feeling like this and just wanted to get better but of course this is no winter cold that goes away in three days. I, after doing some research, learned that anxiety can last up to six months. So basically it has ruined my first semester at college to meet people, join clubs, and learn most importantly.
I have to say though that I have never even heard of anxiety until about two months before I left for college. I read it in our family health book that my Father got from his last job so I was reading through it and came across it and learned that I had all of its symptoms and questioned my Mom about it and we never really got that far after that.
At campus I learned to fear certain areas: the cafeteria, the gym, the heat, and crowded areas. I couldn't even attend a Speech class without suffering from just fear. I waited to go to the Doctor because I hated Doctors and even though we did have an on-campus clinic, it wasn't all that great. It was only open school hours so if I had an emergency I basically would have to call the cops.
This did happen.
I was prescribed a new pill to help me sleep and that night my heart was racing. I layed down for the night with my room mate already fast asleep only to feel it get worse. I went for a little walk and it kept getting worse. I knocked on doors, and then called my Dad to ask what I might be experiencing-he suggested dialing you-know-what.
So they came as I stayed on the phone with a lady to keep me calm and by the time they showed up, I felt completely normal again. I felt horrible for calling but was worried that if I didn't see a Doctor, it may come back. I came to realize later that I had experience my first panic attack; where your mind can overreact and it seems as though you have no control of what happens.
Afterwards I soon went home on one of the most stressful bus rides I can recall so far in my life (6 hours) and my Mom picked me up, treated me (I was starving) and brought me home.
Then it started. I got nervous, very nervous. I woke in the middle of the night very thirsty. I could only eat so much because I had denied my body of food because of my depression at college. It was a nightmare. Never had I ever been so commited to a TV before in my life. I was too scared to take my pills and always insisted that I needed a Doctor to help me or I would starve to death. It dragged on until out of the blue I gave it a chance and I started to feel normal and actually managed a normal meal. Although there was always a catch, something else would come up. I would be scared to be alone, I would have random panic attacks, I couldn't sleep like I once could, and my life was still on edge.
My Dad and I went to the Doctor who gave me a new prescription that would help me and suggested getting in contact with a Counselor who I could talk with. Though I was happy I now had a new solution, I still had ups and downs. Some days I would have side effects of the medicine and others were just fine. But what really struck me was my support network. I had stayed away from contacting people for some time because I would just get angry or feel like I needed to focus on my college life now. Now that I was a damsel in distress I found myself crying out to whoever I could just to talk, to think about something else but they just shut me out. I felt alone.
I started praying, a lot. I read to Bible daily and still try to so I can feel a connection. I even slept with it when I got scared. Though the most reacuring thought that would play in my mind was: What is an 18 year old girl like me doing back at my Parents place? I could not see what was to become of me now that I was loosing what I thought was to be my next path. It reminded me of middle school now that I think of it. I thought my heart belonged to a private school with all of my friends and we would be locker buddies and hang tight forever, but then my world was turned upside down with the fact that we were moving. It was like a reacuring factor.
Now, I am still thinking. Trying to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
If anyone who has suffered from anxiety in their lives, please comment below. You don't need to explain, though I wouldn't mind some helpful tips.. to, you know, help. How did you cope? Are you fully recovered? Where are you now?
Thanks to anyone who listened.